For god’s sake, man, what kind of friends are you? Why have none of you ever had the common decency to tell me that I’m bald? Not receding, not thinning, not qui perd ses cheveux as they say in the French. Bald!
I swear this is true. I look in the mirror every morning and think, Why was I so worried that my father and my eight uncles were bald? I still have a very nice head of hair.
I had a similar delusion a few years ago. I was convinced that my gray hair was slowly getting darker thanks to a supplement I was taking, and that soon, at the rate it was progressing, I would be coiffed like a young Ronald Reagan. My friend Dan was kind enough to tell me I was a freakin’ moron and that my hair was, in fact, getting even whiter.
Today Jamie showed me a series of photos from which the one above was taken.
I HAVE NO HAIR, PEOPLE. I’M ONE STEP REMOVED FROM CUE BALL TERRITORY. I’M NOT RECEDING, I’VE RECEDED FARTHER AND FASTER THAN A FRENCH ARMY FLEEING A BATTLE FIELD. MY HEAD LOOKS LIKE A BABY’S ASS.
I’m upset with all of you. Very upset. One of you should have taken me aside and told me.
This has ruined my trip around the world.
I hope you’re happy.