I saw a headline and ignored it for a couple days. But finally, I admit it, I couldn’t resist. The headline was, “Monkeys and apes chain smoking as panic grips planet.”
Pardon my French, but “Tu me chies?”
Oh, wait. “Pardon my French” doesn’t really require actual French. It’s just a polite phrase you mindlessly stick in front of something slightly crude. So let’s do away with le français and just put it in English.
Are you shitting me?
Here’s what the accompanying article said:
Stressed-out primates have taken to chain smoking cigarettes as the coronavirus crisis rages across the globe.
Monkeys and chimps have failed to kick the habit as entertained visitors are seen to laugh as the animals spark up amid the pandemic.
They’ve “taken to chain smoking?”
C’mon, people. We’re talking about monkeys. They are not aware of the Kung Flu and they are not stressed out about it. They’re not pissed at the duplicity of the Chinese government. They’re not worried because the monkey in the next cage coughed on them. They’re not tut-tutting because the alpha chimp isn’t practicing proper social distancing as he humps one female after another. They’re not watching videos of celebrities urging them to wash their hands with hot soap and water for thirty seconds. They’re monkeys. Even if they did watch those videos they’d immediately run outside and toss poop at each other. And trust me on this, they’re not down at the grocery store fighting each other for the last roll of Charmin.
And speaking of stores, I can promise you that they’re not hanging around outside the neighborhood liquor store asking older chimps to buy them cigarettes.
No. Some moron zookeeper goes out and buys the ciggies. The same moron opens the pack, takes one out, hands it to the monkey, and unless I missed another news item reporting that monkeys have mastered fire in the last few days, he must light the cigarette for the monkey.
Let the monkeys go cold turkey, you morons.
Stop buying them cigarettes. Buy them bananas.
That being said, there was always the rumor that Donovan’s 1967 hit Mellow Yellow was about the hallucinogenic effects of smoking banana peels.
They call me mellow yellow
(Quite rightly)
They call me mellow yellow
(Quite rightly)
They call me mellow yellowElectrical banana
Is gonna be a sudden craze
Electrical banana
Is bound to be the very next phase…
I hear that Donovan’s supplier was a chimpanzee in the London Zoo.